Giving and Receiving Feedback - Do it well!

Ever given feedback that wasn't received well? Or maybe you would like to give someone some good feedback but you don't know how? 

It is worth to think things through before hand: 

• First of all think about what you want to achieve with your feedback, what do you want the outcome to be. Don't focus on what you don't want, focus on the result you DO want to see. 
• Give some thought to the kind of relationship you have with the person; is it your staff or your boss, a relative, a friend, a colleague. Is it appropriate for you to give feedback? How could your feedback come across coming from your position?
• Think about the person in question: is he or she quite sensitive or rather thick, how do you think this person might receive your feedback?
• Be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. No underlying messages.
• Expect a response. 

Now, it's time to facilitate the feedback session. 

• Plan a time and appropriate place. Make the other person comfortable and turn your phone off. You want optimum results. 
• Talk about a specific behaviour/skill/job performance, things that can be changed, don't focus on the person. In other words: separate the person from the behaviour. Provide the explicit evidence and the reasoning that led you to the conclusion  that a problem exists. 
• You stay in control of the conversation by focusing on the desired outcome  
• Don't forget to be still and LISTEN. There might be underlying issues or a misunderstanding. Listen actively and with an open mind. Listen to what isn't said, to body language. Paraphrase what the other person says. By restating the other person's response in different words, you show you are listening and you make sure you have understood well. 
• Make sure there is clarity on what the issue is.
• Agree on an action plan, make it achievable and measurable and be clear about how you are going to follow up.  
• DO follow up! Lack of follow up dips the morale! Acknowledge improvement with meaningful rewards. Meaningful doesn't (necessarily) mean $$ but it does mean intentional.

With this in mind, let's look at receiving feedback. It can be threatening to be on the receiving end, especially since in many cases it is given UN-expected. If this is the case then gently but firmly stop the feedback-giver and propose to make a time for it. Say something along the lines of: "I understand you are concerned with my behaviour/skills/performance, I am open to feedback. When is a good time to sit down and talk about it, I would like to fully concentrate on what you have to say." This gives you time to prepare yourself and it gives the other person also time to give it some more consideration and will take the sting out of the intention.

So, how do you prepare then?

• Ask for a time and place that you feel comfortable with. Consider the issue beforehand. What is your perspective? Gather data if you need to. Think about how you will respond. Decide what you want to learn.
• Go with an open mind. Listen carefully and try to understand the other person's point of view. Ask questions if things are unclear. Resist the urge to justify your behaviour.
• When it is your turn to respond, present your perspective clearly and rationally. Remember this is a dialogue, in productive feedback session both parties learn something. Your response will add information that the giver may not know and will add to the possibilities for change. You will come to a better understanding. Choose to view receiving feedback as positive, it will improve the relationship and clear the air. 
• This is an opportunity to learn and grow. Decide what you can learn from the feedback. Consider the validity of the feedback and requests for change. Consider the feedback giver's intention. What does he want from this session? Does this person have sufficient knowledge of the situation? What is your relationship to this person, how will that affect your response? Are you coming to an agreement or are there aspects you cannot agree on, is there an opening to agree to disagree? 
• It is important that you work with the feedback giver to develop an action plan for change, it has to become yours. You cannot commit to it if you don't feel you can achieve it.
• Ask for help or support in following through. Be sure to thank the other person, this will help you grow, it shows that the other person cares enough for your participation in the business and sees your potential. 

Your clear and rational approach will take the wind out of the sails of the perfectionist, or the 'driver', this puts everything into perspective and your willingness will soften his/her approach towards you. Try it out and watch what happens.

Well, let me know if this was helpful, I'd like to hear!

I have templates available for feedback sessions, for the facilitator as well as the receiver. Send me an email with 'templates for feedback' in the subject line and I'll send them to you.

Till later! 
Mathilde